Getting Back With the Program

June 15, 2010

What happened??

After I ended my feast, I began with great intentions to eat my all raw diet again. But somehow, the eating disorder of chewing and spitting took over for a while, and I permitted myself to go along with it, which helped me to get over it.
I DID get over it by now allowing myself to just eat. So, I began just eating the meals I was making for my family. Which also included the sugary treats (which surprised me that I would go there.) What I noticed was that I felt tired after eating and I have gotten my weight back up to 148.6. The most upsetting thing has been how my insides feel. Not good. Although, I am happy to say that I have learned a lot about myself through this. Never say never!
I have been reading about the emotional reasons for binge eating and the other eating disorders and am just giving myself permission to feel whatever it is I need to feel.
I realized that I was feeling like "If I don't eat EVERYTHING I am not going to have anymore, there won't be any left for me and I might never get to eat it again." My mother changed our diet to a Macrobiotic one after my father had a heart attack. I was 9 years old. I think that I was traumatized by this and developed this feeling. That the foods I always ate and loved where now "bad" and whenever I had the opportunity to eat them I pigged out, because who knows how long it would be, if ever, I got to eat them again. So, I think that juice feasting and water fasting triggered in me that same feeling. I am still emotionally 9 I guess. So, by letting myself eat whatever and giving myself the okay, and telling myself that there will always be enough food of ANYKIND for me. There will always be enough. I will not be deprived. I will not be without. I am NOT bad for eating "bad" food.
As a result I am discovering in a different way how the different food choices make me feel. The SAD makes me feel yucky, tired, and puts weight on. Overeating makes my stomach hurt and gives me heartburn and makes me feel VERY uncomfortable in my body.
Chewing and spitting was just stupid. It's a waste of money and time and ridiculous and no longer appeals to me. Thankfully.
Bulimia died a long time ago and gratefully so.
So today. I am choosing to eat raw because I like how it makes me feel. I like to feel good. I know it is healthy and helps to heal me. I have a lot of raw foods that I love to eat and there is plenty of it for me. I am not "going without" but I am "giving myself more".